Category Archives: Just For Fun

Planes, Trains, and Exhibition Halls

Open letter to all members of every interior design association,

It occurred to me recently that some of you may benefit from a variant perspective on the trade-show experience, so I thought I would share my experience as an event sponsor and exhibitor at a recent exposition.

Dallas, T minus 72 hours:
I spent most of Tuesday and all of Wednesday preparing and packing with trips to the pharmacy for mini toothpaste, the printer for forms, and the cleaners for shirts, then turned in and slept like a zebra in lion country with sketchy visions of missed flights and forgotten cell phone chargers dancing (like a mosh-pit) in my head.

I somehow managed to drag my haggard butt out of bed at 3:30am Thursday, raced to the airport, hastily consumed an overpriced airport breakfast, wedged into my seat like an out of shape contortionist, then hurtled through the air for 2 hours in an aluminum germ-tube which,  judging from the ashtrays and chipped paint, must have been manufactured in the early to mid seventies.  

While counting freckles on the bald snoring head 12 inches from my face, I endured a relentless, persistent, and silent yet deadly nostril assault from the sweet little lactose intolerant old lady next to me who evidently was up all night eating broccoli and yogurt.

After landing in Dallas and retrieving my bag, I was forced to listen to my cabbie on his cell phone engage in what can only be described as an argument with a fellow Martian for the entire white-knuckled 25 minute ride to the expo center. At this point, I thought of a certain Steve Martin/John Candy movie and privately enjoyed a little chuckle.

After paying the pissed Martian, I hustled to my super duper premium upgraded space on the show floor, set up my exhibit,  and was doing all the typical nervous pre-show tweaking with strategically placed mints and pens, perfectly stacked contact forms and brochures, and business cards in the shirt pocket. Then I hit the restroom to run some final checks. What’s left of my hair was perfect, no peppers in the teeth, performed the breathe/sniff breathe/sniff into the cupped hand check, no TP stuck to the shoes, the belt buckle perfectly centered, and fortunately my nasal hairs were burned off by the old lady on the plane, which saved some plucking time. I was officially ready to rock and roll.

The first hour came and went without a single attendee in sight. I started thinking; “no big deal, late must still be in fashion,” and “well, they need to come by to get their card marked so they can win the money.”

Hours two and three produced a couple of random visitors that left me hopeful and thinking…. “I’ll bet Paris Hilton is B.F.F.’s with her fathers top designer and they are about to sashay over here, look at my drapery rods, and fall head over stiletto’s. Then I bet she’ll say “that’s hot!” and pout till daddy makes them standard in every room.” and “Maybe this town is just thriving and all the designers are too busy to care about finding new sources,” and “Was that designer really into my drapery rods or am I just another John with a nice sharpie?”

I spent hours four and five feeling like a desperate “carny” at an empty carnival in post-apocalyptic Detroit. There I stood, sucking in the soccer-dad belly and popping mints like candy with a big hopeful permagrin on my face, waiting for those golden business cards.  My mind started going again…  “Oh snap! Do I have a booger in my whiskers?” and “Maybe if I had puppy-dog eyes…, and ”Jesus, is there a cowboy hat sale somewhere today?” and “I wonder where I can find a Wilson volleyball to paint a face on.”

It was at the start of hour six when I realized that most of the random people milling around had black stripes on their badges!  Noooooooooooooooooooooo! (on knees, looking up, with hands outstretched to the heavens) It can’t be!…..It was…..The halls were filled with fellow emaciated and starving exhibitors who had resorted to….wait for it….trade-show cannibalism!  Utter desperation and hunger had driven them out from behind their tables and into the halls to feed on their own! I can still hear their gurgling plea, “Sales, must…..have……..sales…”  My mind was racing…. “Boy, for some reason those nine dollar cocktails are not looking so expensive now,” and “I love a challenge, but nine hundred dollars per lead?” and “At least I am not being farted on in a metal tube….”

At 5:45 I knocked down my exhibit and headed straight for the bar where I ordered a stiff drink and dinner with extra garlic and extra onions.  Very soon my psyche was sedate, and I started to write.  Hey, I got a decent blog post out of the experience, right?  It’s all good….

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I may have sensationalized some or possibly all of this, and I sincerely hope you all take it in the light-hearted spirit intended, but believe it or not, this is a fairly typical breakdown of an exhibitor experience.  Exhibitors spend thousands of dollars, endure travel misadventures, and sacrifice time with their families just to meet you.  Please do not get me wrong…usually it is totally worth it.  Believe me, I have exhibited all over the country a hundred times and absolutely loved about ninety nine of them!
My message is valid though, and deserves to be heard; please consider the efforts of the industry suppliers who support your associations, and attend expositions as frequently as you can.  WE NEED YOU!

Also posted in Events, Lost & Found | 14 Comments

Special Helper

Drapery hardware specialist Louanne Yturri brought her little grand daughter Jadyn to work last week.  She was a very charming and helpful young lady.  Above is her invoice for services rendered.  We thought it was kinda cute.

Posted in Just For Fun | 2 Comments

Ace and Ludlow From Janet Elliot at Sew Dynamic Designs

These are my “innocent” sleeping grand dogs, Ace and Ludlow.

Ace, the wire fox terrier, races to my sewing machine when he hears me turn it on.  He sits beside me waiting patiently for what he hopes will be a new squeaky toy falling from the sky.

I’ll admit it…I spoil them rotten.

Also posted in The Hounds Of Helser | 1 Comment

Zoe From Tammy Tant Of BG Custom Windows

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Zoe is THE sweetest dog ever. We take her to doodle romps, she lays around in the doodle pose, which is on her back, all 4 legs flopped open. We are on the way to the lake now, she loves riding on the boat. I’m hoping she will learn to swim this summer !

Also posted in The Hounds Of Helser | 3 Comments

Ashes From Ann Johnson at Sew Easy Windows

 This is our very gentle 13 year old dog “Ashes.”  She is easily intimidated by bold cats and is very gentle with small animals.    She was one of 13 pups who’s mother took off one weekend and obviously had a good time because it was quite a mixed litter.  We think Ashes is a mix of beagle, retriever and shepherd. 

Ashes has always loved sitting and sleeping on the stairs in my workroom and I could never figure out why she didn’t fall as she is definitely not a small dog.  She is very proud to be the latest Hounds of Helser inductee!

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Lilly and Horatio from Melissa Hunter of MW Hunter Custom Interiors

Sincere thanks to Melissa Hunter of MW Hunter Custom Interiors in South Carolina for introducing us to your cute little dogs, Lilly is on the left and her husband, Horatio is on the right. The pretty girl holding them is Melissa’s daughter, Morgan.

We are real dog lovers here at HB. Send us a photo of yours, and you will receive one of our “I see drapery people” t-shirts!

Also posted in The Hounds Of Helser | 3 Comments

Ralph Sees Drapery People

Ralph-sees-drapery-people Ralph Quinn,  best friend of Heather Quinn and one of the original “hounds of Helser” spent the day with us on Friday.  As you can see this big fella, at over 100 lb.,  needed an extra large “I see drapery people” t-shirt.  He was so much fun that we have decided to implement “Hounds of Helser Fridays.”  The Office staff will be taking turns bringing their pups to work for the day.

Please send a  photo and a few lines about your pup to hounds@helserbrothers.com!  He or she will be honored with a “Hounds of Helser” blog post, and you will receive one of our “I see drapery people”  t-shirts just for being a good sport.

Also posted in The Hounds Of Helser | 1 Comment

Contemporganic Finialzilla Finally Finds a Home!

Some of you more devoted whyhelians may remember a previous post in which we hand-forged a finial prototype that  turned out to be a bust.  Apparently the designers eyes were bigger than her clients stomach!  We didn’t want t0 just banish this poor guy to the island of misfit finials, so we asked for ideas to repurpose what became affectionately known around here as “Finialzilla.”

Super-client Sue Sifakis, aka Boston Sue,  won it handily with her “garden-hanging-planter-hook” idea thirteen  %$?! months ago and has finally gotten around to sending a photo, bless her lil’ heart ;-)  It sure is nice to see that this former misfit has finally found his calling as a happy supporter of beautiful foliage.  Thank you very much Sue, for playing along with us and being so wonderfully tease-resistant. You are a great sport!

Posted in Just For Fun | 1 Comment

Mimzy From Elyse At AZ Custom Drapery Store And More

Elyse-and-Mimsy-black-and-w Fans of the movie “The Last Mimzy” will be glad to know that the title character has a namesake alive and well in Scottsdale, AZ.  Mimzy is a two year old Standard Poodle and the faithful sidekick of Elyse Risinger, owner of Arizona Custom Drapery Store & More. Elyse recently stopped by to pick up an order and graciously allowed us to snap some pix of Mimzy and his very favorite person.

Also posted in The Hounds Of Helser | 1 Comment

Tableaux Specialist Jocelyn Fields Foul Ball

Jocelyn-Spring-Training Jocelyn brought her “A-game” to the ballpark this weekend and caught herself a nice souvenir.

I was going to say something about how reliable and accurate she is when processing Tableaux orders and work in some reference to how she never drops the ball, but that would be extremely cheesy, so I won’t.

Posted in Just For Fun | 1 Comment

Isabella Chuck

Isabella-Beaver 

 

 

 

 

How much Isabella could an Isabella chuck chuck, if an Isabella chuck could chuck Isabella? 

 

 

 Isabella drapery hardware is made entirely from wood.  We just kinda thought you should know that….. in case you were wondering.  Thanks for reading.

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Jane Helser (probably no relation) Makes Super Bowl Footballs

Jane Helser Makes Super Bowl Footballs  Associated Press Feb 2010: Jane Helser sews together the full ball in the process of making the official game balls for Super Bowl XLIV. “I take a lot of pride in the job I do,” Helser said.

I found this on the AP wire and was not going to post about it, but as I read it started looking more and more like we might actually be related to this person.  The first clue is that she has our last name, and there are very few Helsers in the US.  The second clue is that she lives in Ohio which is where much of our clan originates.  The third and most convincing clue is her statement that she “takes a lot of pride” in the job she does……Hmmmm….?!?!
footballs stitching footballs

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Cindys’ Sweet Drapery Hardware Pickerupper

cindy-lewtons-medicarHelser client Cindy Lewton of the AZ Design Group, and author of the Cindy Elle  Design blog, showed up for her drapery hardware order in the most unique vehicle to ever grace our parking lot.  this very interesting vehicle was made to accomodate three wheelchairs by the Checker Automobile Company and served as a special service taxi cab in New York City. A total of only 98 of these were made for three years in the early seventies.  It is so rare that Google hardly knows about it. Most of the Medicar search results were for Medicare typos!

Also posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Rockin’ Shop

We are not sure what a recession sounds like because there is too much racket in here!  Hearty thanks to all of our wonderful clients for keeping us busy.

We love you!  Jay and Mark

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Squeals And Sandwiches

EEEEK I love it!  Can I make you a sandwich?

EEEEK I love it! Can I make you a sandwich?

 Drapery installers and interior designers provide a service that makes people happy.  When people (usually guys) ask my brother and I what we do, frequently they respond with a “huh?’ It never occurred to them that there is actually a window coverings industry in existence.  While some folks just consider window coverings a necessary evil, some save and dream for a very long time before they can get the window treatments they’ve always wanted.  I have countless  memories of homeowners literally squealing with delight, sometimes even with tears of joy, when they see their new draperies for the first time.  Drapery installers and designers are frequently greeted at the door like Ed McMahon with a  Publishers Clearing House check, and doted on like a rockstar during the installation. Can I get you a soda? Would you like a sandwich?  Anything to catch a glimpse of the draperies as they went up.  When you consider the reception that plumbers, roofers and transmission repair guys get, I think we can count ourselves pretty fortunate.

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